among the living

The snow is so beautiful, I had to document it. It's becoming an addiction that I'm going to have to break next week. I have impulses to share everything on the 'net. It started with Twitter, of course, but now spread to this blog (blessing/curse) which is getting me into youtube and such. I did have the thought that I would be open to making music for internet videos (assuming requisite artistic merit and creative liberty). I figure I'm mostly making the video as an accompaniment to music; I might as well focus on what I'm good at and leave the video part to someone who is more passionate about it.

So why is this compulsion to digitally share a detriment? Because instead of living the moment, I am prone to thinking: "how am I going to describe this later?" It's just a bad thought habit that is the opposite of my usual habit which is to live the moment and quickly forget it in order to live the next. It's finding the balance.

I am learning a lot about music the old fashioned way: aurally and through imitation. Today was mostly about preparing pieces to some day perform (such as at that open mic). I was going to do some crazy guitar shit with vocoders and loopers on Ableton, but I think I'm just going to play them on piano. Doesn't that make me sound like a burned out heavy metalhead when I say "crazy guitar shit"? It does. But I also came up with a great idea for a piano piece in the process. And I'm still toying around with the clarinet piece.

And then I had to pack up and leave. Per usual, I couldn't stop the music early enough to give myself enough time to really pack. Or clean. So I left an hour later than I wanted and tried to rush home for Grace's birthday party. But I couldn't rush because the highway in Michigan was covered in snow with no signs of plows. It started even before that when I had trouble getting out of our street on to the main street. The tire ruts led me almost all the way, but then at the "delta" the plows had created a snow dam that took a couple tries to get over. And then the on ramp was under an inch of fresh snow (with more underneath). Once on the highway, I quickly adapted to the new reality: stay in the tire tracks, follow the semi ahead with its blinkers on, go 40-45 mph. That was fine for about 2 miles, but then the cars behind caught up. And even though there were no signs of lane markers (the 3-lane highway was effectively down to 1) they felt like they should pass me--AT THE SAME TIME. One on the left, one on the right. I really don't know how they maintained traction. Their cars must have just been so heavy (yes, SUVs DO have a purpose in Michigan; I can still, however, call them stupid urban vehicles) that they didn't have to worry about going 55 on 2 inches of chewed-up snow. It was really bad only until Indiana where they either got less snow or have better plows. I was still on alert for ice until Chicago. OK, bridge, so I'm looking for ice; what would you have me do if I see it?

I was fairly tense driving, but I became aware of it and wondered why. Was the tension part and parcel of intense focus? Or could I be focused on driving without being tense. I decided a couple things. One, if this is the way I'm going to die, then I don't want to be anxious when it happens. Two, being uptight about dying in a horrible car wreck that never happens may actually bring on a "natural" death sooner. Three, breathe. My grandma told me once to breathe in a square: 4 in, 4 hold, 4 out, 4 wait, repeat. Dr. Andrew Weil said something similar but the numbers were different. Either way, it really does work to release tension--especially because I hold it in my gut (effectively cutting off the source of all truthiness).

So I made it to the party (almost 2 hrs late) but really made great time (considering). And here I sleep (at Corbett's and Grace's).