in pursuit of lost time

I'm almost at the end of a period of time that didn't exist. Like a blip on the radar, it came, saw, and conquered and is now on its way out the door. The holidays are a weird period of stasis that occur between moments of activity. And in those periods, I'm never sure how to be. They come around so rarely, and each one tainted by the real-life time that came before, that it's hard to practice. I almost always feel blind-sided and confused. Until it's over, and then it starts to make sense but it's too late.

Christmas is especially difficult for those of us who aren't really sure what we're celebrating. Christmas used to be full of magic and wonder, but now the soul seems to have been sucked out through the nose hole and there is only the shell of obligatory gift-giving and togetherness. Both of which are grand but there's ceasing to be anything really unique or particular about Christmas compared to other holidays.

I spent Christmas in France once where the traditions are much older and deeper, aided by the homogeneity of both religion and denomination. It started with Midnight Mass in which the people of a small village in Normandy willingly participated even though the majority were highly secularized and hardly religious. Then the family I was visiting (with all of its various extensions) returned to the farm house and got to the eating and drinking - la Réveillon.

What a great feast! For me, clearly, the mystique was in the novelty of the various oysters, foie gras, champagne (the real stuff), and other delicacies that I couldn't even name or remember. After midnight, we went to the Christmas Tree room and our shoes had been filled with gifts. Magic! Turns out, it wasn't really magic; while we were eating, Père Noël had done the deed.

This Christmas, going through the motions continues to feel more like routine than ritual. Having forgotten the "reason" for the season, I am still looking for a way to root myself, some tradition or belief that gives the holiday depth and purpose. As far as the routine goes, I did a decent job getting thoughtful presents, even planning ahead and using the hunter method of shopping--much less stressful than my usual meandering and gathering. For me learning to be a good shopper is to embrace my inner hunter--much more enjoyable, much better results, and then I can go home and drink the blood of my enemies.

And the echoes of the past seem louder and heavier this year than before. Maybe that's because I'm finally listening. So maybe soon I'll understand.

I'm in the burbs right now, headed back to the city to clean up and pack up the rest of my stuff. Then after a few days in the Chi-area, back to Michigan for the end of the week. My parents will be up there too, so it won't be quite the same as the last two weeks. Still good though. And then New Year's. I don't have any definite plans, so if you know of exciting things going on in the city, let me know. I'll also be in need of a place to stay that weekend: wink, wink.