among the living

The snow is so beautiful, I had to document it. It's becoming an addiction that I'm going to have to break next week. I have impulses to share everything on the 'net. It started with Twitter, of course, but now spread to this blog (blessing/curse) which is getting me into youtube and such. I did have the thought that I would be open to making music for internet videos (assuming requisite artistic merit and creative liberty). I figure I'm mostly making the video as an accompaniment to music; I might as well focus on what I'm good at and leave the video part to someone who is more passionate about it.

So why is this compulsion to digitally share a detriment? Because instead of living the moment, I am prone to thinking: "how am I going to describe this later?" It's just a bad thought habit that is the opposite of my usual habit which is to live the moment and quickly forget it in order to live the next. It's finding the balance.

I am learning a lot about music the old fashioned way: aurally and through imitation. Today was mostly about preparing pieces to some day perform (such as at that open mic). I was going to do some crazy guitar shit with vocoders and loopers on Ableton, but I think I'm just going to play them on piano. Doesn't that make me sound like a burned out heavy metalhead when I say "crazy guitar shit"? It does. But I also came up with a great idea for a piano piece in the process. And I'm still toying around with the clarinet piece.

And then I had to pack up and leave. Per usual, I couldn't stop the music early enough to give myself enough time to really pack. Or clean. So I left an hour later than I wanted and tried to rush home for Grace's birthday party. But I couldn't rush because the highway in Michigan was covered in snow with no signs of plows. It started even before that when I had trouble getting out of our street on to the main street. The tire ruts led me almost all the way, but then at the "delta" the plows had created a snow dam that took a couple tries to get over. And then the on ramp was under an inch of fresh snow (with more underneath). Once on the highway, I quickly adapted to the new reality: stay in the tire tracks, follow the semi ahead with its blinkers on, go 40-45 mph. That was fine for about 2 miles, but then the cars behind caught up. And even though there were no signs of lane markers (the 3-lane highway was effectively down to 1) they felt like they should pass me--AT THE SAME TIME. One on the left, one on the right. I really don't know how they maintained traction. Their cars must have just been so heavy (yes, SUVs DO have a purpose in Michigan; I can still, however, call them stupid urban vehicles) that they didn't have to worry about going 55 on 2 inches of chewed-up snow. It was really bad only until Indiana where they either got less snow or have better plows. I was still on alert for ice until Chicago. OK, bridge, so I'm looking for ice; what would you have me do if I see it?

I was fairly tense driving, but I became aware of it and wondered why. Was the tension part and parcel of intense focus? Or could I be focused on driving without being tense. I decided a couple things. One, if this is the way I'm going to die, then I don't want to be anxious when it happens. Two, being uptight about dying in a horrible car wreck that never happens may actually bring on a "natural" death sooner. Three, breathe. My grandma told me once to breathe in a square: 4 in, 4 hold, 4 out, 4 wait, repeat. Dr. Andrew Weil said something similar but the numbers were different. Either way, it really does work to release tension--especially because I hold it in my gut (effectively cutting off the source of all truthiness).

So I made it to the party (almost 2 hrs late) but really made great time (considering). And here I sleep (at Corbett's and Grace's).

navel-gazing

Sometimes you have to close your eyes while you type so you can see your thoughts more clearly.

Sometimes you have to close your eyes while you listen to hear the music better.

from ballou to you

I'm in the city, anxiously avoiding doing any real work. The work is not the fun kind but the kind that inspires the best procrastinations: moving and sorting the material remains of a former self.

I wanted to add another commitment to my list: finish a piano piece for a contest and an application. Hopefully by the middle of next week.

I had a great idea in the shower today involving another piano piece, Ableton Live and looping. You'll see what I mean when I realize it.

Now time to go home and sift for gold in a sea of crap.

a day in the life

I talked to my mom today. Turns out Christmas is Friday and I should go home tomorrow. I would be content to stay one more day and make it a full week up here; I'm building momentum.

My mom requested that I talk less about philosophy and more about my life. To be fair, I didn't really say anything specific; I was really just padding the post with content, for I didn't have much in the way of excitement yesterday. So, just quickly, I think it's interesting how Kant, Baudrillard, Richard Bach, The Secret, and the Matrix all have the same thing in common: reality exists in your mind. I think therefore reality exists.

I especially like the way the woman in the video flinches when she says "simulacrum".

So my life today: set an alarm, got up early, planned on planning but took a spontaneous constitutional to the lake, wanted to stop in at the corner market, didn't, coffee, got right to work, focused, intense, curried oatmeal at 11, more coffee (caffeine doesn't affect me as much as it used to), started a new atonal piano piece, improvised a fantastic ending, finished a project (finally!), recorded an improvisation (see below), dinner.

I did make the following plans: apply (again) to Bang on a Can Festival, apply for a CAAP to make a website, finish this new piano piece for a competition in January. Really soon, I need to look at other festivals.

Tomorrow I leave the cottage for the weekend and won't return until the middle of next week, possibly not until after New Years.

I had wanted to give you (and the world) some sort of music from time to time, but that hasn't materialized in a real way. So I did a little improvisation and took video with the Mac. For some reason the video stopped partway through, so I had to fudge it. The sound I was recording in Ableton Live using some shmancy Steinway. I usually use the Bechstein; the Steinway is a little bright. Now if only my keyboard had a better feel and sensitivity.