Monday, October 1, 2012

Give and Take

I don't like to give, so I try not to take. There always has to be balance.

Giving is a risk with more risk than reward.

I think every blog post should include the phrase: "I haven't posted anything in a while, so this is really important." Since I just said it, I don't have to say it again.

I'm reading a book in which the book jacket may or may not be part of the plot. As in, the book jacket tells a tale of what happened to the manuscript itself, which then happens in the plot itself.

ITSELF IS ITSELF!

I'm giving you a lot of points on the map, but I'm hesitant to give you a compass.

I used to be in a relationship where I gave it everything I had. Even when the other person stopped giving, unbeknownst to me, I kept giving. And then I gave too much. And finally I gave up.

Giving is for suckers.

But now I'm doing it again: giving too much to someone and not getting enough in return.
I'm wiser, of course, so I know when to stop. But then things happen—crises, contests, what-have-yous—and I get tricked into giving again.

It's like politics: I keep distancing myself from institutions but then am presented with 2 clearly difference interpretations of the same institution. And one is revolting.

I keep forgetting that there are joiners and leavers. And I'm a leaver: individuals over institutions. The latter serves the former not that the former is defined by the latter.

And then I'm presented with a joiner. A believer. I can't believe in anything, but there are still people being born—EVEN IN THIS AGE OF POSTPOSTPOSTPOSTSOMETHING—whose nature it is to believe. Belief is supposed to beget emotion; these people are also more emotional than I. There was supposed to be a causal clause in there but I couldn't figure out where.

EVERYWHERE.

So I keep trying to keep my giving in check. Because there always has to be balance. And when one person gives more than the other, there is Koyaanisqatsi.


Philip Glass once drove a taxi in New York. And by once I mean for SEVERAL YEARS. My mom used to like to tell me this back when I had ambition.

So as life became more and more out of balance, I stopped giving. But it was too late and it hurt. And then I imagined everyone else around me who gives and gives to me without reciprocation. I don't want or need them to give but they do, and without reciprocation, they stop. [See line 1]

PRINCIPLE 2

So I find it hard to give in almost every situation except those in which I should most definitely not give. And then when I do I get nothing and am even more determined not to give again.

I just want to lay calmly in the salt water bath, floating easily, causing no ripples. But angels throw pebbles from above and demons cause currents below: and I am trapped motionless in between trying to calm the waters, neither giving nor taking for neither side is right.

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